


So darkness I became

by allyavenue



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 08:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16850215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyavenue/pseuds/allyavenue
Summary: After a bitter defeat, the Doctor has a revelation that sends her spiraling into her darker side.  Only her wife has the ability to guide her back to the light.





	So darkness I became

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Cosmic Love' by Florence and the Machine
> 
> Many thanks to fuckingcurlywurly on tumblr for proofreading

It had started with a particularly unlucky week for Team TARDIS. Unfortunately, when you were in the business of helping people out of scrapes across the universe, an “unlucky” week usually turned into an amalgam of anguish and suffering for all involved.

The last few days were a blur of screaming, smoke-filled lungs and impossible choices. As the Doctor walked into the blissfully silent setting of her TARDIS, she shuddered. The screams of those she hadn’t been able to save or perhaps chose not to save echoed in her mind and were nearly replaced with the screams of her own people. She shook her head in an attempt to jolt herself out of that comparison. Her people were safe, they were fine.

Unlike those she had failed.

One of the Doctor’s most recent subjects of failure were her team. Standing behind the console, she regarded them as they walked in. Graham, looking at his shoes, solemn and silent. Ryan, an arm around Yaz, whispering in her ear soothingly as tears created clean streaks on her soot-covered face. The sight of her fam looking so completely exhausted and distraught squeezed at the Doctor’s hearts painfully. Instead of watching Ryan guide Yaz to her room, the Doctor focused on the trail of blood that her friends had tracked in. Not theirs, thankfully.

“Doc?”

The Doctor whipped her head around to face Graham, who was standing near the console with a lost look on his face. “Don’t we need to get out of here? They...they probably want us gone.”

She nodded, beginning her sequence of button-pressing and switch-flipping. The breaks sounded loudly and she felt the TARDIS reach out to wrap around her mind comfortingly. With a grimace, she shook the feeling away. She didn’t want comfort, she didn’t deserve comfort. Graham watched her, opened his mouth, and then closed it.

Nothing was said until the TARDIS landed safely in Sheffield.

Ryan and Yaz had entered the console room again, looking slightly cleaner but still shell-shocked. When the Doctor opened the door to reveal Yaz’s building, Ryan frowned and closed it slowly.

“You want us to leave?”

The Doctor’s face remained stony. “This has been a horrible experience for us all. The last thing you lot need is to hang around me, at least not for a while. You’ll only land yourselves in more danger.”

“You told us the risks when we started traveling with you.” This time, it was Yaz’s turn to speak up. “We agreed, it’s a risk we are all willing to take.” Graham and Ryan nodded in support.

The Doctor said nothing. She merely glanced at the TARDIS door.

Graham approached her, placing a hand on her shoulder gently. “Doc, we don’t want you to be alone out there. None of us should be alone right now.”

The Doctor looked into Grahams kind eyes, anger encroaching on her mind and darkening her expression. “I don’t need you lot to worry about me. You should be worrying about all those poor people whose deaths we witnessed today. You should be worrying about yourselves.” She marched to the other side of the console and pointed to a particularly large spot of dried blood that one of them had tracked in. “Do you want that to be yours? Because as you’ve witnessed today, it very well could be if you keep gallivanting around with me.”

“Where’s this coming from then?” Ryan crossed his arms. “We’ve seen people die before.” A wince from Graham and an apologetic look from Ryan before he cleared his throat and continued. “I mean, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen death while traveling with you. Why are you just now making us leave?”

“She thinks it’s her fault.” Yaz spoke suddenly and looked at the Doctor. “You’re blaming yourself for what happened and that’s  
that’s ridiculous.” She shook her head. “You’re pushing us away because you think all those people died because of you, but you’re wrong.”

“It’s not your fault, Doc. You did everything you could.” Graham interjected.

Ryan crossed his arms. “Blaming yourself is stupid, Doctor. No offense.”

The Doctor looked down at the console, passing a hand over a few levers. If these humans, her friends, didn’t understand what had truly happened, then she couldn’t make them understand. She sighed, preparing herself for what she was about to say. “You know what’s stupid?” She looked up at them, a wry smile on her face. “Three foolish humans from a tiny corner of a tiny, boring planet thinking that they know better than a 2,000 year old Time Lord.” She took a step toward her friends. “You know _nothing_. You have no concept of blame, you have no concept of the universe, and you don’t know anything about me!” She was shouting, the sound of her enraged voice filling the console room and echoing off the cavernous walls. She leaned in close to them, the shock on their faces ever closer to the anger on hers. “If you know what’s good for you, _get out_.” Still staring at each of them in turn, she snapped her fingers, opening the TARDIS door. “Now.”

Her companions stared at her with a mixture of shock and hurt on their faces.

“Fine.” Yaz snapped. “You might be 2,000 but you’re acting like a bloody child.” She turned on her heel and marched out of the TARDIS. Ryan said nothing, only shaking his head and walking out slowly.

Only Graham was left. He sighed, clapping the Doctor on the shoulder lightly. “We’ll be here when you realize how ridiculous you’re acting.” He began to walk away before turning back. “And by the way, don’t tell me that I don’t understand the danger of death when my wife died right in front of me.” A few seconds later, he was gone, the door closed softly behind him.

A heavy silence hung in the air. Doctor planted her ship in a remote corner of a distant galaxy. She stared at the console blankly. Already, she was missing her friends. The hurt looks on their faces sent a wave of pain through her when she focused on that thought, so she pushed it out of her mind. She didn’t regret sending them home, however. That was for their own safety. They could be angry with her all they wanted, but it was thanks to her that they had made it home and were alive to be angry in the first place.

After staring at the console for several minutes, the Doctor walked slowly to her shower. As if on autopilot, she stripped out of her bloodstained clothes and stepped into the hot water. The blood and ash was washed off her body and pooled at her feet before going down the drain. She scrubbed at her hair, nails scratching at her scalp.

Usually, the shower provided something akin to peace. A quiet space where she could let her mind calm itself. Usually, the TARDIS would take an opportunity like this to connect with the Doctor and help calm her. Now, however, the turmoil of the last week amplified and enveloped her. If she had just taken action before things had gotten out of hand, none of this would have happened. But no, her bloody morals, her ridiculous god complex and superiority complex rolled into one had gotten the better of her yet again.

People had died because of her. Hundreds of people. Slow, agonizing deaths where children cried for their parents and friends sobbed over each other’s bodies. Meanwhile, when the destruction and chaos were coming to a close, the Doctor collected her friends and left those poor people to clean up after her. Her friends were safe. They would be in their homes, safe and relatively unharmed. She didn’t have to cry over them or bury them like so many others had done.

There had been a moment, a window of a few minutes in which a simple decision from her would have changed the course of the entire week. She had been foolish not to choose that path.

The problems had started with an uprising of a small group on a planet that was used mostly for farming. This group had had enough of the planet’s low status in the galaxy despite their utility, and they were attempting to destroy the crops and overthrow the leadership in order to gain more power for themselves and change the planet forever. Seeking money and power at the cost of lives was a plan that the Doctor had seen too many times to count.

The critical moment had occurred when the Doctor finally came face to face with the leader of this faction, a man with fire in his eyes and anger in his heart. He had orchestrated the plan that was already underway and was leading hundreds of similarly angry people. The catch was that his followers were nothing without him. They were angry in the moment, but without organization and leadership, the plan would fail and the anger would fade. The resulting chaos, war, fire and death of the next few days would never have happened without him.

She should have killed the leader.

There had been a part of her, a minuscule part of her that she had been ashamed of in the moment, that had tempted her to do it. She could have killed the leader of the group, painlessly and quickly, and that would have been the end of it. But instead, she had let this awful, evil person continue to live. The continuity of one life had caused the deaths of thousands and her ridiculous, sanctimonious morals were to blame for it. That’s what the her friends didn’t understand. She had a choice to save all those lives and she didn’t. The blood was on her hands.

She owed it to everyone she had wronged to never make the same mistake again.

 

Traveling alone had a familiar feeling. The TARDIS was different without Yaz’s laugh, or Graham’s quips when the Doctor said or did something ridiculous (which used to be quite common). Now the Doctor only had her ship and herself to talk to.

Her last trip had been calm, a trek through the solar forests of Chandalia. Surrounded by the bright trees and the warm air, the Doctor had simply sat on a hillside, overlooking the valley. It was as close as this face was going to get to meditation, and she had felt something akin to peace.

After sending the TARDIS back into the vortex, the Doctor noticed the pangs of hunger that she’d been having for a few hours. It was difficult to remember when to eat breakfast without humans and their circadian rhythms to act as reminders. Instead of stomping on the custard cream pedal for what had to be the 50th time that week (the last time she had overdone it, the TARDIS had refused her biscuits for weeks), the Doctor opted to find somewhere to have a meal.

After deciding that New New York was a decent destination, the Doctor parked the TARDIS outside of the city and waded through the apple grass. There was a rather small cafe on a busy street corner. The Doctor eyed the cozy looking chairs near the window and headed inside, the pleasant smells confirming her decision. She ordered a sandwich (a safe bet, because her taste buds were still feeling unpredictable) and sat down near the window, watching the activity of the street outside. Things had been going so well lately, she reflected. The solar forest was only a fraction of the excitement she’d had in the last few weeks. Her fam would have loved it, she thought to herself sadly. There hadn’t been any trouble, and the views were like nothing else. Certainly nothing they could see on Earth.

Oh well, they probably wouldn’t want to see her again anyways. She’d been awful towards them. It had been intentional, of course, but the looks on their faces still made her cringe.

The sound of blasters and broken glass shocked the Doctor out of her thoughts. Two humanoid figures dressed in all black had entered the cafe, blasters firing seemingly at random. Panic ensued from the customers, who jumped under tables or tried to run out the front door. The figures approached the counter, one of them grabbing someone who appeared to be the manager and dragging him over to their side. The other figure aimed their blaster at the rest of the cafe, challenging anyone to move or protest. The Doctor, naturally undeterred from being on the business side of a weapon on a normal day, felt her hearts leap to her throat. This was it, her opportunity to start making things right.

She crossed the cafe in a few strides, pinning the figure near the register against a wall and grabbing his blaster. The manager fell to the ground in shock. In a single move, the Doctor planted her finger on the figure’s neck, freezing him in place. She placed the end of the blaster on its forehead.

“You better have a really fantastic reason for what’s been going on.” She growled, doing her best to look menacing. The figure responded with silence, but its companion moved to grab her. “Don’t give me any of that. Touch me and your pal here is toast. And keep in mind that you’re next, mate.” She smiled to herself. _This_ was strength. These things wouldn’t be able to kill anyone else. They’d already taken lives that day (bodies on the floor of the cafe served as evidence of this fact). The Doctor wouldn’t knowingly let them continue to hurt others. Not anymore.

She took a breath and strengthened her resolve, finger shaking on the trigger of the blaster. Two shots and an unknown number of lives would be saved.

The door to the cafe opened. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” a familiar voice asked accusingly.

The Doctor glanced over her shoulder, keeping the blaster in place. River Song stood in the doorway of the cafe, blaster aimed at the figure behind her. In a flash, it fell over, stunned by River’s weapon.

“I’m doing what needs to be done, you stay out of this.” She looked back at the figure, a new wave of adrenaline pumping through her veins. Did River know who she was? Why was River even here in the first place? It had been so long since she’s seen her wife, and hearing the sound of her voice was enough to make the Doctor break out in a sweat.  She couldn't decide whether she was more excited to see River or annoyed that her plan was being interrupted. This was unanticipated, to say the least.

River approached the Doctor, blaster still aimed at her. “This isn’t any of your business, go run off like all of the others did. I’ll handle them.” She motioned to one of the figures and the Doctor sighed. Alright, River really didn’t know her then.

“If I leave, will you let these things live?”

River laughed derisively. “The moment you leave, because you will in a few moments, I will take these two criminals to the authorities. Because surprisingly enough, murdering someone for attempting to rob a cafe usually makes people seem rash and a tad unstable.”

The Doctor turned to face River. “Look around, they didn’t just try to rob the cafe. They killed innocent people. They’ll kill more. They should die before things get out of hand.” Her arms were starting to ache, perhaps a moment without Venusian Aikido would be safe. She lowered her arm and the figure started moving again, reaching out as if to grab her. “No you don’t,” The Doctor said, paralyzing it once again.

River raised an eyebrow, walking around the Doctor and placing a hand on her hip. “Interesting,” she said slowly. “The only person I’ve ever known to do Venusian Aikido besides myself is my husband. But he would never do something as stupid as murdering two complete strangers on a whim, would he?”

The Doctor swallowed, refusing to look at her. “I dunno, maybe he would. If he came to his senses about some things.” She shrugged.

River shook her head. “My husband is smarter than that, he knows that murder isn’t the solution to every problem. You should meet him sometime.”

The Doctor felt her hand shake with anger. River’s false calm and condescending attitude was holding up a perfectly good afternoon. Well, it would be perfectly good once she finished saving the day. “I don’t think we’d get along, actually. He sounds a bit confused. Worse than that, actually, he sounds a bit preachy. That is, if he’s anything like you.”

River rolled her eyes. “Alright, enough of this nonsense.” She raised her blaster and pointed it at the Doctor. “Get out of my way, these criminals are my responsibility. I’ve been tracking them for days and my mission isn’t going to be spoiled by a bloody vigilante assassin with a god complex.”

The Doctor looked River in the eyes, something she’d been unable to do for well over a century. “Try me.”

In a single moment, several things happened at once. The figure that had been stunned throughout their argument had come around, aiming at the Doctor from its position on the ground. It fired at the Doctor, grazing her shoulder and causing her to squeeze the trigger on the blaster in her own hand, killing the figure before her. In the split second following this chain of events, River turned her blaster on the figure on the floor, stunning it once more.

The Doctor fell to her knees in shock, hand clasping at her shoulder, which was badly burned in some areas and bleeding in others. Her blood was slick and wet on her fingers, but the pain was a dull broadcast in the background of her mind. Most of her focus was on the dead figure in front of her, who was not only dead but was looking much worse for wear than her shoulder.

River had barely flinched at the sudden commotion, which was no surprise. She was accustomed to violence and danger. She had been trained from birth to maintain control in situations such as this. Therefore, as the Doctor continued to stare in shock at what she had done, River looked down at her, sighing. “Are you happy now? There was a perfectly good reward I could have gotten for turning both of them in.” She scowled. “But at least you did the right thing. Feels great, doesn’t it? Now you get to have blood on your hands to prevent more blood on theirs.” She kicked something over to the Doctor and it slid across the floor. Her sonic.

“That’s a new one. Bit messy if you ask me. Did you make it yourself, sweetie?”

The Doctor grabbed her sonic and looked up at River quickly, mouth open. “Sheffield Steel,” shakily, she rose to her feet. “How long have you known it was me?”

River shrugged, expression unreadable. “Since I saw you using the Venusian Aikido. So ironic, using an unarmed combat move on someone when your a moment away from murdering them.” She sighed. “I saw the TARDIS outside the city, too.”

Pocketing her sonic, the Doctor said nothing.

River eyed the Doctor’s injured shoulder. “What the _hell_ were you thinking?” Her voice remained low, but dangerous. Anger crept in, warping her words and causing goosebumps to appear on the back of the Doctor’s neck. “This isn’t you! Spewing nonsense about how murder is justified and using blasters! It was ridiculous and stupid.” While she was speaking, River took a transport cuff out of her pocket and placed it around the remaining figure’s ankle. With a flourish and a few inputs on the device, the creature vanished.

The Doctor sat on one of the cafe chairs, looking at her lap. “You’ve never had a problem wielding your gun around when there’s trouble. Maybe I learned it from you.”

It appeared as if River hadn’t heard that quip. She was bending down by the dead figure, attaching another transport cuff to it and sending it to whoever she was working for. However she stood and approached the Doctor, stopping mere inches away from her. The Doctor tilted her chin up slightly, realizing that River was now taller than her. In a different situation, this wouldn’t be altogether unpleasant. At the moment, it was downright annoying.

“This is all you, Doctor. And I don’t know why you’re acting like this, but you didn’t get it from me.” Authorities and bystanders were starting to enter the cafe. River grabbed the Doctor’s hand and led her through the back entrance of the building, opening the door to an empty alley. “Are you being threatened? Why in the name of sanity would you pick up a blaster and shoot someone with it?”

The Doctor shook her head. “It’s a long story and I’m not in the mood to tell it. I just-I had a revelation. Alright? I had a revelation and I realized I’ve been stupid and weak and when people die it’s my fault.” Her shaky hands bunched at the shirt material on her injured shoulder, pulling it away from the wound with a hiss. “When I let bad people live, good people die. It took the death of thousands and losing my fam to realize that.” She looked up at River. “You don’t know about my fam! You’ll never meet my fam, probably.” She sighed, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “I lost my fam, River.”

River shook her head, pulling the Doctor’s fidgeting hand away from her shoulder and walking in the direction of the TARDIS. “Do you honestly believe that killing people the moment they do something wrong is the way to go about things? You’re the one who goes on about change, about growing and changing for the better.”

“Is it worth it to take that risk? What if they don’t change? Then I’ve given them the benefit of the doubt and the blame is on me when people get hurt.”

Approaching the TARDIS, River placed a hand against the blue panels before pushing the door open gently and entering the console room. “Where’s the person who put their trust in a psychopath that had been conditioned to kill, hm?” The Doctor looked at her feet as River inspected the console. “I’m going to ask you again, sweetie: do you really believe you’re doing the right thing? Because I don’t think this is about blame at all.”

Damn her. Damn her wife and her frustrating ability to see right through her, even with a new regeneration.

The Doctor’s voice cracked on her answer. “No. I don’t want people to get hurt, I don’t want to-to feel-”

“Powerless. I know.” River took the Doctor’s hand gently. “But you’re going about it all wrong. You can’t just kill people left and right.”

“I know that,” The Doctor interjected hurriedly. “I’m going to stop. I just don’t know what to do instead.”

“You don’t have to have all the right answers, wife.” The Doctor’s hearts shone a bit at that title. All was not lost. She could find her way back to reason as long as River wouldn’t turn her back on her. “That’s why you have me. That’s why you have your...fam?” A nod from the Doctor.

“They don’t want me back. I was awful to them.”

“I’m sure you didn’t say anything to them that can’t be fixed. Speaking of fixing,” she glanced down at the Doctor’s shoulder, which was beginning to sting more noticeably. “Let’s get that patched up.”

River circled the console, pulling a lever and launching them into the time vortex. The Doctor let out a breath, feeling properly at ease for the first time in weeks. She still had work to do, but she would no longer be plunged into darkness as long as she had her wife by her side.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first attempt at writing a darker version of the Doctor. Please let me know what you thought of it! Thanks for reading!


End file.
